


If I Could, I Would Feel Nothing

by L0UIE



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gratuitous Smut, M/M, SeChen, broken!suchen, chenhun, jongdae doesn't know how to cope, jongdae gets drunk a lot, sehun is desperate, unhealthy relationship tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 13:24:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14935100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L0UIE/pseuds/L0UIE
Summary: Sehun being there for Jongdae, through the three nights when nothing felt right.





	If I Could, I Would Feel Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> warning: dubcon, drunk sex, sehun and chen having major issues with themselves (and with each other.) ++ admittingly mediocre smut, huhh. 
> 
> this was crossposted on AFF :)

This is the first time Sehun’s ever seen his Jongdae hyung open up this much to him.

Sehun rests his head against his arm, his gaze unmoving from the older male sitting to his left. Jongdae’s drunk, his own head swaying slightly as he rambles about his past, present, and future heartaches – speech slurred. Jongdae puckers his lips in between his sentences, especially whenever he’s mentioned something that disappoints him. Sehun lowers his gaze, focuses a little harder on the way the corner of his hyung’s lips curl downwards – and his chest tightens, knowing that Jongdae hyung is so, _so_ sad tonight. His Jongdae hyung is usually a whole lot more controlled than this, hides more than he speaks and that says a lot because truthfully, Jongdae is a man of many words – though they are words that he watches out for, so Sehun has always admired him for it.

Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s the dark in Sehun’s living room. Or maybe, it’s Sehun himself – who Jongdae is pouring out to, that has him _pouring_. Jongdae’s eyes are beginning to water, and he nuzzles the side of his face against his own palms. Sehun softens, “Why are you still with him, hyung?”

“B-Because, ah, because,” Jongdae hiccups, “We’re… we’re still trying, you know? We’re trying… We’re both trying our best. We’re really, we’re trying…”

“Are you sure – that you’re not the only one who’s trying?”

Jongdae closes his eyes shut, lips trembling in trying to hold his tears back as a broken whimper escapes – and now, Sehun concludes, Jongdae has moved on into vehement denial. He isn’t sure whether or not feeling victorious over asking the right question would be right. Jongdae folds his arms over the table and buries his head in. A single hand runs through his air, pulls on the strands, and Jongdae’s crying out against his arms in frustration. “I’m not… I don’t… I don’t know anymore. I hate this so much,” he sobs out, drunkenly.

“Hyung,” Sehun calls out, “If it hurts, it’s okay if you want to let go.” He gently shifts Jongdae about, turning him slightly to face him better and Sehun feels mixed emotions when he sees Jongdae’s swollen eyes, and wet streaks of tears running down his cheeks. Sehun feels sad because his Jongdae hyung is crying – hurt, but seeing his Jongdae hyung in tears, eyelashes blinking back the wetness, calls for something else within him; and admittingly, it’s a whole lot darker than Sehun’s ever thought possible. “If it hurts too much, it’s okay to feel like you want to stop trying,” he whispers, “it’s okay to stop trying too.”

“But what if,” Jongdae slurs slightly, hangs his head low, “What if, I make a wrong call – wha-what if, I’m making a wrong call if I stop trying – Sehunnie.”

It takes Sehun some extra seconds to register his own thoughts shifting into something entirely different from what he’s ensured he’s made of. By his own principles, Sehun would never come too close to someone else’s man, but here he was, leaning in so, _so_ close to his smaller hyung – forehead against forehead, almost breath against breath, and so close to losing it, especially when Jongdae finally looks up to him – face flushed from drunkenness as he lets out a shaky sigh. He attempts to pull away once he’s realized the weight of the situation, but Sehun keeps him there with big hands, palms cupping Jongdae’s cheeks.

“Sehunnie, I—”

“It’s not a wrong call if it’s not me you’re letting go,” he says, “Trust me, hyung. I’m the sober one here, right?”

 

-

 

Jongdae wakes up the next day on Sehun’s bed, within Sehun’s arms, reeking of alcohol and mind hazier than fog, but he’d woken up to being fully clothed so Jongdae doesn’t give it much a mind. Sehun wakes up with him, and when Jongdae gets off of his bed, he calls out to him (and tries to hide the desperation in his voice.)

“Sorry, Sehunnie – Didn’t expect that I ended up _this_ shitfaced, ack,” Jongdae groans, looking around for his coat. Sehun’s expression dulls off into blankness, into something akin to shattered hopes or schemes foiled. He combs his fringes off of his forehead with his fingers, turning away from Jongdae’s moving figure (still looking for his coat) just so Jongdae wouldn’t see the blatant disappointment on his face. _Of course. Of course, he just had to be a forgetful drunk._ Sehun had always prided in himself as being one pretty lucky motherfucker, but it’s hateful how he’s got himself stuck into a ‘that-one-time-when-you’re-fucking-desperate-for-it-but-it-disappoints’ situation.

He tries his luck anyway, “Hyung, you don’t remember what happened last night, did you?”

His hyung freezes, and Sehun thinks he hears his breath hitch. Jongdae finds his coat folded over the chair and puts it on before he turns back to Sehun with a cringe, “I didn’t do anything stupid last night, did I?”

Sehun purses his lips – keeps it so for a few seconds before he sends Jongdae a tight smile, “Nah. Just rambled here and there.”

“Really, really? Telling me the truth?” Jongdae pouts, before looking around the room once more for his phone as he puts his coat on. 

“Yeah, hyung. Anyways, you don’t want to stay over for breakfast? It’s just 8AM so we can take our time.”

To his pleasant surprise, Jongdae finds his phone charging alongside Sehun’s. “Nah, I’ve got plans,” Jongdae smiles, unplugs the cord before shoving his phone into his coat pocket, “Junmyeon hyung and I are going for breakfast at the campus café around 10? I’ll go home to shower first though.”

_Junmyeon hyung._

Sehun dims, visibly – but before Jongdae could ask if there was anything wrong, Sehun’s waved him off. “See you later, hyung,” he says, and uncharacteristically, Jongdae thinks, that is all he says.

 

-

 

It’s 10.30AM, and Sehun is on his way to meeting one of his lecturers. He walks past the campus café on the way and finds a lone Jongdae sitting by the counter windows, looking solemn with his head laid against his arms. Jongdae’s too busy on his phone to notice him, but that doesn’t mean Sehun doesn’t notice the ice-blended mocha with cream on top that stands next to an empty cup. Sehun knows how a drink looks like when it’s untouched, and the still perfect cream on top leaves room for little question. Jongdae sighs, and Sehun watches as he carries his bag over his shoulder and walks out from the scene, leaving the untouched beverage on the counter as it is.

Sehun doesn’t need a detective to know that the drink was meant for someone – who clearly hadn’t kept his promise.

 

-

 

Jongdae opens up to Sehun for the second time, about a week later on a Saturday night – temporary courage gained from just enough cans of beers, and the knowledge that it’ll all be gone by dawn.

His hyung is a lot quieter this time, but that could just be because he’s sort of being cradled to Sehun as of now, head against his chest and his figure almost entirely enveloped by Sehun’s own. Jongdae’s crying softly, tears dripping over his cheeks and down his fists. “I ask him out for breakfast every morning – he says yes, every time,” he murmurs, “But he ca-cancels at the last m-minute every damn time too, I – fuck!”

Jongdae’s gasping, crying out in short, broken breaths, chest heaving as Jongdae burrows himself further into Sehun’s hold, and Sehun only holds him tightly, closely. “W-Why? Why do-does he even,” Jongdae pauses, “Why does he bother saying yes when he obviously fucking knows he’s going to take it back in the end?”

“Why are you still with him, hyung?” Sehun whispers, knowing he’s already asked once.

Jongdae tells him, while in tears, roughly the same thing he’s told Sehun a week ago, “What if – what if, I just hadn’t try hard en-enough for us? I don’t wa-want to make the wrong call.”

“But it hurts, right?”

Jongdae doesn’t deny it, and Sehun leans in to kiss his forehead, and down to his nose, to both his tear stained cheeks.

“If you’re with me,” he mutters, so, so softly that it’s a secret to the rest of the world around them but Jongdae, “you wouldn’t even have to try – you wouldn’t need to think. I would’ve made the call for you. You wouldn’t have to get hurt.”

Sehun raises a hand and keeps it by Jongdae’s cheek, lifts his face up because Sehun’s burning with the need to look into his eyes. His heart beats a little faster when he does, and Sehun isn’t even sure if he’s still breathing because Jongdae, again, even in tears, is absolutely breath-taking. It’s a little sudden that he thinks this, but nothing’s ever felt as natural as finding himself _this_ captivated by his small hyung, who’s still sniffling in his arms. Sehun’s smart enough to have his heart at least mostly figured out but the next words that come out of his mouth sounds so foreign, so in contrast to the kind of person that he sees himself as – it’s so almost unlike him. _Almost_.

“If you don’t want to hurt, hyung,” is what Sehun says, “you come with me.”

 

-

 

The next morning is no different from Jongdae’s last sleepover. He wakes up, warm and comfortable in last night’s clothes, in Sehun’s arms, tucked cosily in Sehun’s woolly sheets – though stinking of alcohol. This time, Jongdae’s in less of a hurry to leave, taking his time as he even tries to get a little more sleep on Sehun’s bed, burrowing himself under the covers for more warmth. Sehun smiles; today, he gets off of his bed first, preparing a spare towel and extra toothbrush by his bedside just for his hyung. Jongdae thanks him sleepily, voice muffled over by a pillow, and Sehun is unable to himself from planting a chaste kiss on his forehead (though he does cringe internally when the stink of alcohol gets to him.)

Sehun tread his fingers through Jongdae’s hair, sitting right by his head, “Are you going to stay a little for breakfast? I could make you something for your hangover.”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything for one whole, good minute – Sehun waits anyway, still running his fingers through his hair when he feels Jongdae nodding against his palm; “I think I’ll stay, maybe until lunch time? What time is it?”

“8.20AM, hyung,” Sehun manages out a soft, relieved sigh.

“I’ll get going around 11 then,” Jongdae murmurs from under the blanket before rolling over to the other side, sleepier than when he first woke up this morning. Sehun smiles, patting Jongdae’s head before he begins to make his way out – when a loud buzz from his right stops him. It’s Jongdae’s phone, Sehun quickly realizes, his own phone left outside in the living room. He turns back to Jongdae to find that his hyung has already gone back to sleep, unaware of the notification buzz from his phone. There’s a message pop-up over the dark screen, and it disappears as quickly as it appears but Sehun is quick enough to read the message.

It’s a short message anyways, from a certain _Myeon Hyung <3._

_‘We need to talk. I’ll make sure to be there for lunch later. See you.’_

 

-

 

That same night, Jongdae is at Sehun’s again, though this time, it’s Sehun who brings him to his home. Sehun returns home with Jongdae’s arm around his shoulder, and a single hand by Jongdae’s waist. Jongdae had gotten drunk at a bar, and the bartender had initially called the first number that was on speed dial – Junmyeon, Sehun thinks begrudgingly – though owner of said number had politely declined his request, with something along the lines of _‘being busy, or was it being too far away from the bar’_ or so the bartender had said were his reasons. Sehun, being the most frequently contacted number, naturally became his next option.

Sehun doesn’t sit him down on the sofa nor by the dining table this time, choosing instead to head straight for his bedroom, throwing Jongdae onto his bed. Jongdae groans at the impact, still awake – but all he’s been blabbing about has been either incoherent, or heavily related to Junmyeon. Junmyeon’s name pours out of Jongdae like a fountain, and Sehun is more than disgruntled at this fact, if not already beyond pissed and irritated. Jongdae reaches out for a pillow to claim, hugs it as tightly as possible, as he whimpers brokenly – needy for Junmyeon, and Sehun has never hated being wherever he’s standing than at that very instance.

“Myeon hyung,” Jongdae slurs, tears dampening the pillow sheets. Sehun watches him, unamused, angered – so, so fucking tired of not being seen, so damn done with the thought of how the nights he’s been there for Jongdae just go forgotten, down with the alcohol; and maybe Sehun should’ve realized this a while ago, or maybe he already has and he’d just lead himself into his own denial just like Jongdae had, that the only reason Jongdae hadn’t _let go was b_ ecause he still, _fuck_ , really – really, _fucking_ loves Junmyeon. Not because he’s been scared of making the wrong call, nor was it because he’s afraid of not having tried hard enough.

There are a couple of things that Sehun finds clear to his head now – and one of it is that all this time, Jongdae’s been letting his denial speak, even in drunkenness. The other thing Sehun sees, is the pent-up frustration from within, and how it’s already beginning to overflow past the dam. He sits besides Jongdae’s head, just as he did this morning, runs his fingers through his hair – just as he did earlier. But it’s different this time, far from being the same gentle, fond touch that he’d given Jongdae earlier. This time, he’s grabbing onto a fistful of hair, pulling harshly onto Jongdae’s hair, forcing him to face him.

Jongdae yelps at the harsh pull, his tired, half-lidded eyes snapping open at the force, and Sehun can’t help but stare when Jongdae’s blinking, confused and wholly dumbfounded. He groans, raises his own hands up against Sehun’s but he’s caught off-guard when Sehun lets go of his hair and grabs both of his hands instead, trapping them on each side with a tight, painful grip around his wrist. Sehun eyes the man underneath him, smiling slightly when Jongdae’s eyebrows raise and slant and his kittenish lips are parting open in shock.

“Myeon,” Jongdae whimpers, and Sehun’s smile drops, “I’m sorry – let go, it hurts—”

“You’re – you’re going to drive me crazy, hyung,” Sehun scoffs, bitter and dark, “All you remember is Myeon hyung – All you think about is Myeon hyung, all you probably know is Myeon hyung, and you don’t fucking see me at all. Do you even know who’s right in front of you?”

“I’ll ma-make it up to you, My-Myeon,” he pleads, and Sehun’s never found it this hard to swallow down the lump stuck in his throat, “Please don’t br-break up with me, Myeon. Please.”

The grip around his wrists loosen, and Jongdae takes the chance to shift their positions, guiding Sehun to lay against his back instead as he sits on top of his crotch. Sehun doesn’t quite understand how on Earth he had let Jongdae place him in this position. He uses his arms to support him into sitting up, but before he could go any further, Jongdae’s smashing his lips onto his, moving his own against Sehun’s, his bottom grinding down on Sehun’s crotch. “I still love you, Myeon,” Jongdae murmurs over Sehun’s lips, “Please don’t leave me.”

 _I’m not Junmyeon_.

Sehun thinks, but it doesn't stop him from groaning out a dubious approval when Jongdae eventually pulls his cock out, his small hands unable to wrap fully around Sehun’s thick girth – his small, inexperienced hands, stroking Sehun’s cock off into full hardness and while Sehun admits to having secret fantasies that have always involved a more vixen-like Jongdae, he doesn’t think he’ll ever give this sweet, inexperienced Jongdae who’s going to try so hard for him up for anything, not even for the world.

_I’m not Junmyeon._

Sehun thinks again, when Jongdae wraps his kitten lips around the tip of his cock, “Myeon.” He pauses in his ministrations, lips rounding around Sehun’s girth, before he begins to encircles his tongue round the parts he’s able to reach. Sehun tips his head back with a groan when Jongdae brings his hand up, placing it over his head and Sehun just grips onto a fistful of hair when Jongdae holds around Sehun’s cock with his two hands, stroking where his mouth can’t reach. It takes Jongdae a few minutes to convince himself to take more of Sehun in, and even then, he’s still not quite sure what to do besides giving him a couple of kitten licks, sucking on the foreskin in between. His hands work to drag bits of foreskin down, and Sehun accidentally grips a little too harshly on his hair, thrusts deep into Jongdae’s mouth out of pure instinctive response and lets out a satisfied grunt when Jongdae’s throat closes down on his cock, giving Sehun a taste of a sick, tight haven.

_I’m not Junmyeon._

Sehun chuckles bitterly, as Jongdae backs himself against the headboard, legs spread opened, and his cute – pink hole exposed, all for Sehun to see. “Shit, Dae,” Sehun curses, and Jongdae only chuckles, rather breathlessly. He’s coated three fingers with lube, works himself open. “Need to really – prepare myself. You’re a whole lo-lot, ah, bigger than I thought, Myeon…” Jongdae’s eyes shut close when he pushes in a little deeper, before he suddenly jolts out of nowhere with a sweet yelp after thrusting his fingers in once. Jongdae whimpers when he looks back up to Sehun – _who, in his eyes, is still Junmyeon_ – pleading for assistance, because this may just be as far as his inexperience can take him.

Sehun crawls over to him, pulling off his fingers before placing his own against Jongdae’s puckered rim, intruding past the entrance, and jabs around for the same spot that he knew had caught Jongdae off-guard earlier. He finds it when Jongdae lets out a pitchy “ _Mmph_!” over a slight jab, and Sehun decides against ending it too soon by thrusting the tip of his fingers against his prostate over and over again, eliciting sweet, sweet whines out of Jongdae – squirming against Sehun’s touches, and Sehun likes the way that it’s him who’s making his toes curl, regardless of the different name that Jongdae’s been moaning instead of his.

It may be _Myeon_ who Jongdae is calling out to – who Jongdae truly wants to please, who Jongdae truly wants to be loved by – but it’s not _Myeon_ who’s making Jongdae squirm, it’s not _Myeon’s_ eyes that Jongdae looks up to when he’s sucking off dick, and it’s not _Myeon_ who’s making Jongdae whine so sweetly like this – It’s all _Sehun_. It’s all him.

Sehun helps Jongdae when he sinks himself down onto Sehun’s length. In Sehun’s hold, Jongdae’s thighs tremble – shiver as Sehun’s cock go inches deeper into him, filling him up so well, stretching his hole open with its' thickness and Jongdae only sighs, so, so sated once Sehun’s fully in him. His thighs haven’t yet stop trembling, and Sehun lets Jongdae take his time to adjust to his girth but Jongdae doesn’t take well to wasting time as he holds onto Sehun’s hands, giving them a gentle squeeze as he makes them lift him up before dropping him down on his cock – and Sehun moans out, feeling a whole rush of adrenaline and heat coming over him because Jongdae’s so, so fucking tight and hot inside. The tip of his cock hits Jongdae right where he needs it so well and precise, and Jongdae finds himself unable to hold back from bouncing over and over again onto Sehun’s dick, already feeling quite addicted to the fullness and girth.

Jongdae throws his head back, letting out repetitive _‘ah’_ s here and there, and some shaky moans in between – Sehun expresses his need for more by thrusting up against Jongdae’s bounces, cursing occasionally whenever Jongdae squeezes so hot and tight around his dick. In between, Sehun manages to catch an eyeful of the smooth expanse of Jongdae’s neck that he’s been long wanting to latch his lips onto now and dives into the opportunity – sucking eagerly over his Adam’s apple, eliciting a moan out of Jongdae. “Myeon,” Jongdae chants, “Myeon, Myeon… Fuck, yes!”

_I’m not Junmyeon._

Sehun thinks – for one last time before he's advancing again, lays Jongdae onto his back, and shoving his cock deep into the smaller male, thrusting fast into his core, abusing his sweet hyung’s prostate mercilessly with the tip of his cock. Jongdae continues to chant out Junmyeon’s nickname, and Sehun can’t help himself from turning slightly animalistic, fucking the older male for all he’s worth with almost little to no care into the mattress. “I’m not Junmyeon,” Sehun voices it out this time, but Jongdae's either too fucked out or too far deep in his own delusions to care, and Sehun knows this, because _Myeon_ is still the only name Jongdae seems to know. “I’m not,” he growls, “Junmyeon.”

Jongdae cums, flashing white, screaming out a single incoherent syllable, followed by a shaky sigh – he cums, hard, thighs trembling from the intensity, sweat dripping down his forehead and again – Sehun can’t do as much as to not stare at the delectable being underneath him, face all flushed, and eyes still closed shut from his climax. Sehun groans, low and deep, as Jongdae’s walls clench down tightly around his cock, and it feels so, so good that he can’t help himself when he lets himself go, his seed filling Jongdae up to the brim. Jongdae’s insides don’t stop milking Sehun’s cock for all its’ worth, even in the aftermaths, and Sehun wonders how Jongdae is able to withstand the oversensitivity - but he thinks he's just as affected if not more, if the way Jongdae is whimpering, all hot - sharp breaths against Sehun's ear is of any indication. 

Jongdae falls asleep, not longer after once Sehun’s pulled out, stays asleep as Sehun cleans off the remnants of their release with a wet, warm towel. “I’m not Junmyeon,” Sehun had whispered, one last time, right before Jongdae falls into deeper sleep. Jongdae had only looked at him, listless and blank, eyes so close to shutting completely. _Even in tears, and even in weariness,_ Sehun thinks to himself, _you’re still so fucking pretty._

“I’m sorry, Sehun,” Jongdae had murmured back to Sehun. Sehun doesn’t respond – only because he wasn’t sure if he was even hearing right.

 

-

 

With a different night, Sehun supposes a different morning follows. Today, Sehun wakes up alone. With no Jongdae in his arms, no Jongdae cuddled up against his pillows, no Jongdae being all cosy under his blankets – and everything’s all there in its’ rightful position except for the very thing that matters the most. There’s a paper note in the shape of a panda stuck to the area of the bed where Sehun expects to see Jongdae, and he recognises it as the paper note occasionally used in Jongdae’s revision notes.

_‘Good morning, Sehun. I promise I’ll look for you around noon for a more proper apology because, I have to meet up with Prof right now, haha. Looks like things got a little wild between us last night...? I don’t really remember, damn… I made you breakfast btw, as an apology... for now! See you later~_

_Dae hyung.’_

 


End file.
